1000 Ways to Die Halloween Special: Hell-Oween
by TotalDramaRox97
Summary: My long overdue Halloween special of 1000 Ways to Die (I was busy the last few days sorry)


Before we start, today is my now deceased dad's birthday. So I'd like to dedicate this episode in his memory.

You know what's ironic? For a show that is centered on stupidity, we use an awful lot of numbers. As usual we have 7 examples. We have a farmer who learns tons of grain really sucks "Help", a burglar whose deathbed was 17 stairs down, a boogie boarder who dies in a contest of 20, a paranoid guy who sees his death countdown (explosion), the snowboarder who goes one and done, a thief who went from the 8th floor to the 7th,, and the pet store owner who goes one on one with a snake and loses. It's 7 segments all ending with six feet under, on the next episode of 1000 Ways to Die.

(opening sequence)

Date: May 25, 2003  
Location: Cedar Point, IA

Tyson was the type of guy who thought he could charm his way through life and get everyone to do his work for him. At 18 he was about to graduate high school and decided to get a job at a nearby grain farm to make some extra money and use the hard working experience to make himself look good on college applications. The farm was a major processor of corn grain used in the processing to help make food. Tyson decided to charm his way through the interview to get the job. To Tyson, this job was about playing his best ability into his work, using others. He knows very well that fast food and obesity are a huge issue in America, so he decided to use that to make himself more money, after all, a place that helps make processing for fast food is sure to have great pay.

Randy Stanger Farmer: "One goal of America is to make its foods taste better and last longer, and they've done a great job with that. The most commonly used ingredient in these processing is corn. It's cheap, available in high quantities, and with places like the Corn Belt, a lot of accessibilities. The down side of this is the fact that most of the food made with these types of processing is that it makes the foods extremely unhealthy so many foods that may sound good, can actually have tons of calories and grams of fat."

Tyson's employer, Richard, had a good feeling about his new employee, but he had no idea how much of a lazy useless manipulator Tyson really was. The only work Tyson did were stuff he found easy like storing the grain in the silos. Anything he found too much, he easily got his hot female colleagues to do the work for him. Fertilizing the plants was one of them. "Hey, do you think you could show me how to put the fertilizer on?" "Shouldn't you know how to do this?" "Of course I do, I just need to know how to have it evenly distributed. After all, don't we want all of our crops to look as great as you?" His cheesy flirting tactics somehow worked with his female co-workers.

Today was different for Tyson; it was the monthly check up. The boss has someone watch all the workers do their job and report back to them how strong their work ethic is. Tyson knew he couldn't charm his way through this one. But, Tyson was no idiot. He was smart enough to carefully study how his coworkers performed their duties. He thought, do what they do, and he won't get fired. That day, Tyson's job for the day was too harvest grain in the field and take it to his coworker who would put it into storage. Tyson's ox muscles made this task very easy. Richard was very impressed with Tyson's work. At the end of the day, Tyson was understandably beat. "Am I done?" "One more thing, your coworker had to go home early due to sickness so can I have you check the storage in the grain elevator?" (Tyson nods) Tyson feels he's gotten his job done. He opens the door to the dark grain storage, but looks too deep, (Tyson falls into the storage) and falls in. Tyson's fall isn't done yet. He tries to get out, but only winds up digging himself deeper. (Tyson starts sinking)

What Tyson didn't know, large piles of grain contains voids that, when stood on, sucks you in like quicksand. This was bad news, not only was he stuck, but the self-closing door prevented anyone from hearing his screams. Tyson feels his life is over, but catches a break. The void wasn't big enough to suck him all the way down sparing him, but now he was stuck. Tyson felt if he moved he'd be sucked down again. He assumed once Richard discovered he was missing, he'd be rescued. A few hours after Tyson got stuck, he reaches another dilemma. He starts feeling lightheaded (head drops) and gets the death he avoided a few hours earlier.

Grain is stored at extremely cold temperature to prevent decomposition. When his coworker stored the grain, they had to turn the temperature up to store it. Afterwards, they had to turn the temperature back down to prevent decomposition. His coworker was too sick to do it, so he asked Tyson to do it for him. Tyson, not used to the work ethic, decided to try to charm another female employee into doing it for him. "Hey, you know I really like you working here. I think turning down the temperature in storage will help you keep your job here." But this girl saw right through Tyson. She decided not to do it. The heat in storage caused the grain to decompose. Decomposition releases carbon dioxide and with no ventilation and being so low, Tyson was exposed to enough CO2 to cause asphyxiation and death.

Tyson got a job on the farm, but showed no interest in doing the job. The job showed an interest in him when gave him a big suck and took his breath away.

Way to Die #696  
Un-Cold Storage

Date: June 21, 2010  
Location: Malibu, CA

On the beaches of California, we come upon something you've probably never seen before, (people cheering) a boogie boarding contest. This contest had 19 amateur boogie boarders, competing against each other to win a pot of $750. Hold on, looks like the contest had a last minute contestant, meet Ethan, a talentless snob who entered this contest thinking he was good. "You're late." "Chill out, I got caught in traffic." Ethan thought he was better at boogie boarding than all the other contestants. He was really just a narcissistic jerk who acts like the world owes him something. "Come on let's started so I can beat all of you." This boogie boarding contest had an unusual set up. Normally a contest would have contestants face off against each other. The winner would advance and the loser would be eliminated and the last one standing wins. This contest was an all-day contest. Each contestant would face off against every other contestant and whoever has the best score at the end wins.

Maya Guillera Beach Shop Owner: "Boogie boards are boards that are designed to allow you to surf on waves using your body. The wave pushes the board towards shore and you ride on top of it. Since you are lying on top and not standing, it's easier to ride, but going with the wave, if you wipe out, it's going to be rougher. You can also experience something called "getting drilled". This is a type of wipeout that throws you all around underwater. It does not feel good. (chuckles) "

Ethan wasn't just a narcissist, he was a cheater. Boogie boards have cords that you put around your wrist attached to help you have better control of the board, and not lose it. Ethan had secretly smuggled a box cutter inside his swim trunks to sever the cords on the boogie boards. First round, it was Ethan and Garrett, a passionate amateur surfer who enjoyed occasional boogie boarding. Garrett tries to be civil towards his competitor, "Good luck man." but there is no stopping this jerk. "Break a leg, and by a leg, I mean your own." (blows air horn) Garrett and Ethan wait for a good wave. Ethan severs the cord, and starts planning his performance. Here's the thing, Ethan was so cocky his plan would work, he never practiced. A wave comes; Ethan's plan backfired when Garrett nearly losing his board then catching it impressed the judges. Ethan just wiped out and got drilled.

Round after round it was the same thing. Ethan's cheating didn't make him prosper and he wiped out every single time. On his 10th wipeout and drilling, he feels a pain in his leg. The wave caused the box cutter to brush up against his leg causing it to bleed. Ethan throws the box cutter in the garbage and decides to try to outdo his competitors, but he just keeps wiping out over and over. The contest ended, and Ethan finished last. Garrett got first place. Ethan is ready to unleash his fury, but he starts to feel faint. He just assumes it was the blood loss from the box cutter hitting his leg and decides to ignore it. Soon after, Ethan starts feeling faint, his speech grows incoherent, and he can barely stand on his own two feet. (Ethan wanders around for a few seconds and falls back) Ethan died, but not from the box cutter.

Dr. Khyber Zaffarkhan Orthopedic Surgeon: "Every time this man wiped out on his boogie board, he was thrown around underwater and the force made him accidentally swallow a substantial amount of salt water from the ocean. Salt water causes dehydration because it dries up the water your body. Over time, this salt water accumulated causing worsening to his dehydration. Finally, his exertion using up a lot of water in his body combined with the salt water that dried up so much water in his body, his vital organs shut down and he died of dehydration."

In Ethan's mind he was a talented boogie boarder who had yet to be discovered, but the closest thing to fame he has now is that he's a total wash up.

Way to Die #721  
Tide Offed

Coming up, this guy learned he was own worst enemy, and raiders who take the plunge.

Date: May 23, 2003  
Location: New York, NY

Ever feel that someone's hunting you? Like someone is out to destroy you? That's exactly how this man Joe felt. It's not just the thought someone's going to hurt him that has Joe freaking out. This guy was beyond paranoid. Joe was obsessed with his paranoid thoughts, even though they either weren't true or highly exaggerated. "There is not one square inch of this earth that isn't bugged." You can probably guess how this affected his social life "These people who tell you they want to help, they aren't. They just want to find out your secrets and use them against you." (freaked out girl leaves) Joe found every reason to be paranoid. Everything he read, saw, and heard Joe took as a personal offense against him or a threat to what he saw the world as. He spent all his time arming himself for someone who is planning to take his life or trying to find something new to be paranoid about.

While Joe is freaking out other people were going to hurt him, other people were freaked out Joe would hurt them. You see, Joe is a misanthrope. He was very open with his hate. All his paranoid thoughts originate from his hatred of the human race "I'm surrounded by living demons that don't enjoy anything good happening." Also, Joe armed himself against those he saw as the demons. He had guns and other weapons hidden all over his apartment. People surmised that given these two things they knew about Joe, one false move could mean their permanent end. When Joe would go down to the lobby to get his mail, it was like walking into a minefield, with only one land mine, and it was moving. Joe carried a gun with him everywhere he went. And kept eyes out on everyone he saw. This made people afraid he was thinking that he was a threat to their safety.

One night, Joe was doing what he usually did, hate on humans. He would write down what he thought of humans in a journal. "Humans should've never existed. All they do is break everything and think of only themselves no matter what the cost to environment around them. They leave animals out in the wilderness when they die, but think they're so special they should have a memorial for them. The cemetery gives humans what they really deserve. Once a human dies all they are a flesh sac filled with bones whose only purpose is to rot. The humans just leave disgrace to the dead by just disposing of dead bodies and leaving them to rot and they just put up a rock that says a person is buried there. What's the point of that? All people die so what makes them so special?" While he is ranting, he hears a noise. Joe thinks that someone is out to get him once again. What he's really hearing, is branches moving. He continues searching, when he hears the noise again. (turns around fast and a gun goes off and Joe hits the floor)

Joe turning around made the butt end of his gun knock over his flare gun resting on his nightstand. The force of the gun hitting the floor caused the flare gun to go off and launch a flare inside the room. Somehow, Joe was lucky enough the flare didn't go off. Joe picks up the flare to see why it didn't go off (flare explodes) and his luck runs out, along with time on his death clock.

Arielle Macaluso Intensive Care Unit Nurse: "When the exploded, it generated a severe amount of force that hit his chest with so much force that the pressure on his heart caused a cardiac arrhythmia or irregular heartbeat, which led to cardiac arrest, which led to cardiac death."

In the end, Joe finally got his wish. He never has to deal with the human race ever again.

Way to Die #93  
Signal Out 

Date: February 12, 2010  
Location: Bethlehem, PA

Ever hear the phrase things are never as they seem? Well if you were to apply that to humans Brian and Matthew would be the definition. If you were to encounter these guys on the street they just look like a couple of guys who like having a good time but still know what's important in life. As you can guess, Brian and Matthew are more than what meets the eye. By day they are just a coupld of guys working. When the sun sets, Brian and Matthew become bottom feeding thieves who use an unusual type of tactics for their robberies. Their strategy is they find an area that's vacant or out of business, they break in, and they scour the entire area for anything of value and keep sell it. They'll steal anything from loose change to missing jewelry to stuff they scour out of old garbage cans. Nothing inside a building that's unoccupied is unsafe around these two. They theorize that because that because the areas are no longer used, they can't get in trouble for their larceny.

Kerri Laron Police Officer: "Even when a building is left vacant for months, years, even decades, you can still be convicted for taking something inside those buildings. The basic definition of larceny is taking something that doesn't belong to you. Unless you own the building or you own something lost in that building, taking any of the stuff is still a criminal offense. It's pretty much a more modern version of tomb raiding."

Brian and Matthew decided to press their luck and search a large building in their town. They wait until midnight to make their break in. The building may be vacant but that doesn't mean no one will notice a broken window. They came prepared. With a dissection probe Brian started hacking at the lock. (Brian shoves the probe in the lock and moves it rapidly ) "Okay almost got it." "Hurry man, someone's going to catch us." "Will you chill out? I told you I got this." "Come on." "I got it." Brian and Matthew decide to split up too find more stuff. "Okay, stay one floor above me that way we won't miss any floors."

Brian was searching through the area of the 7th floor. It's unusually crowded for a vacant building. (Brian searches the floor leaning over with a flashlight) One floor above, Matthew carefully lurked around the area, but so far has found nothing. He searched though all the contents of the room. Just as he was about to give up that floor, Matthew saw one area that looked promising. Little did Matthew know, some things are better left undisturbed. (Matthew falls through the floor taking a beam down with him and when he lands; he hits his head on the beam and falls off)

The years of abandonment allowed cracks to form along the walls and ceilings. Some of the biggest cracks were on the 7th floor ceiling, which was also the floor of the 8th floor. When Matthew stood on the cracked area, his weight allowed the ceiling to break along the cracks and collapse taking Matthew and a beam of the floor down with him.

Matthew got up slightly bruised. "Aw, my head." When he tried to walk the injury off he discovered the shock of his life. (Brian is seen lying on the floor dead with the beam on his back) "Oh shit, Brian are you okay? Brian?"

Dr. Vyshali Roa Cardiologist: "The combined weight of the man and the beam hit just the right angle on the other man's back causing the back to break, crushing his cervical, lumbar, and thoracic vertebrae. The severe spinal trauma caused massive damage to the spinal cord practically destroying it and killing him instantly."

To Brian and Matthew vacancy was another word for cash in. But in this building, their cash went crash and Brian became the newest resident in Death Building.

Way to Die #359  
Die Beam

Date: July 14, 2009  
Location: Houston, TX

It's often said all the action happens at night. Usually when they say this they are talking about parties and night clubs. They probably weren't thinking of this guy, Brody. Brody had a ton of fun when the sun went down. With his trusty crowbar, Brody was a burglar who would rob unsuspecting victims of valuable possessions such as watches, stereos, or vases.

Kerri Laron Police Officer: "In the new technological age, burglaries have expanded the horizon of items typically stolen. Back in the 1900's you'd see stuff like books, jewelry, and anything of value. Nowadays with the scrap metal industry and new technology you can see a lot in burglaries stuff being stolen like car keys, televisions, computers, and game consoles. The electronics are usually expensive and that's what makes them desirable by burglars."

Recently, Brody had taken his theft to a new level. He had now taken larger items like flat screen TVs, laptops, and cell phones. Brody was a crafty criminal, he knew that many electronics have tracking devices on them nowadays so he'd hide them or dismantle them to sell for parts. (pries apart a laptop with the crowbar) Tonight was another night for Brody's crime spree. He came upon the house of a married couple. Brody took one look at the house and cars and realized "These people are loaded." he had his next target. (Brody smashes a window with the crowbar) The owners listened to the sounds of nature as they slept so it drowned out the shatter glass. After breaking in he realized something. If these people have wealth, they must own a security system. The police could be pursuing him now.

Brody scurried down to the basement and looked for the fuse box. Once again Brody's crowbar made his job less difficult. (pries fuse box open) He put on his rubber gloves and cut the wires with his crowbar. Now his raid shall proceed. First thing he got is a nice speaker system. Next up, was a flat screen TV. Brody had some trouble removing it, but in due time got it. He stacked all his stolen goods at the base of the staircase. After he cleared the downstairs, it was time to go upstairs.

Once he got upstairs he went in the first door he could find. Unlucky for him, it was the owners' bedroom. Brody panicked. What if they found him? He fled the room and cut his raid short, but missed a step. (falls down and starts tumbling down the stairs and stops at his stack) The tumble did injure him, but those injuries aren't what killed him (owner comes out and screams)

Dr. Boyd Flinders Surgeon: "When this man fell, the hook end of the crowbar penetrated his abdominal wall and hooked to his small intestine. The other end got pinned between two spindles. With the crowbar stationary and his body moving, the crowbar pulled his guts out as he tumbled down the stairs."

Once the police arrived, Brody's body wasn't hard to find. All they had to do was follow the trail of entrails.

Way to Die #494  
Jemmy-Colon

Coming up, we have a snowboarder who gets big air, and snakes may not make the best pets, but they sure make for a great story

Date: December 10, 2005  
Location: Denver, CO

Jenna had a dream. She had a dream of being a professional snowboarder on snowboarding team in the Winter Olympics. There's just one problem, Jenna was a half decent snowboarder, but she was so reckless, that she a danger to others, not that she would care. Jenna did anything to achieve her goal. She even resorted to using anabolic steroids to up her game. These steroids turned her into aggressive and bitter. She took her bitterness out on those who had nothing to do with her problem. Jenna was a well-known visitor on this mountain. People have registered complaints about her after she plowed them over. Jenna always got away with these actions by claiming it was an accident. It was their word against hers, so there was nothing that they could do about it.

Derek Holster Snowboarding Trainer: "Snowboarding is a very dangerous sport because so many things can go wrong. I've seen people who collided into trees, hit rocks and fall on their face, or going off a steep drop off. If you're not careful you can easily get a concussion for an accident and I've seen it happen a few times myself. Not fun."

Today was like every other day Jenna was at the mountain. She cut in line for the chair lift and started going up. As Jenna goes up, she can't shut up about not being where she planned to be. Jenna finally gets to go down the snowboarding trail. As usual Jenna's reckless snowboarding nearly causes several accidents to happen. (nearly collides with someone) "Hey watch it." Jenna pisses off several other snowboarders in the area even crashing into one. (accidentally tackles snowboarder) Even though it's Jenna's fault, she's quick to pin blame on the guy she tackled. "Don't get in my way newbie." As Jenna is snowboarding down the mountain mocking the snowboarder she just tackled, she sees every snowboarder's worst fear, a tree. She swerved to avoid it, but wound up on the path of a steep drop. (Jenna flies off the slope and when she lands; her chest is impaled by a slalom post)

Eliza Gruman Registered Nurse: "When this individual fell onto the slalom post, she fell with enough force to jam it through her solar plexus and into her diaphragm, which is the muscle under your lungs that helps control breathing. The momentum allowed the post to slice through her diaphragm leaving a gaping wound. With the pole blocking the organs from herniating to fill the hole and her diaphragm left wide open, she couldn't take in air and asphyxiated."

Jenna never achieved her goal to be a famous snowboarder, but she just invented a new snowboarding trick called post in chest.

Way to Die #262  
Dead & the Gnar

(special thanks to my friend who helped me make up my mind for a number for this segment)

Date: August 4, 2005  
Location: Sacramento, CA

When we walk into a pet store we see cute animals and possibly a future friend for one of us. Have you ever wondered if one of those friends could turn on you? This is the story of a man named John. John was the owner of a pet shop. His shop sold pets of all sorts the popular pets like dogs, cats, and fish to selling lesser known pets like turtles and rabbits. John's business wasn't very popular and the wages were pretty small. The only thing John hated more than his job was the pets he was in charge of. (bird flies onto John's shoulder and he grabs it stuffing it back into its cage) (bird squawks) "Shut it, I hate animals." After seeing John's business, you're probably thinking to yourself. "Even though this guys a jerk I'd expect his pet shop to get more shoppers." Here's why John's business was failing. John's bad attitude towards animals had caused the animals there to inherit his behavior and express it on the owners who bought them. "Okay Sally time for lunch." (owner tries to feed her bird, but the bird pecks her hand and swats it out of her hands) This had caused John's business to get more bad reviews than customers at the store.

The second reason his business was failing was because John had another focus besides his pet shop. John owned another pet shop, but this one was a little bit different. This pet shop was a black market pet shop. John sold non-native species from everywhere and sells them to anyone willing to buy them. This business of his was much more popular than his failing one. John had a limited supply of animals, but a large amount of customers. John had to make several pre-order lists to make sure he didn't lose customers. Even if it was a dangerous animal, "Excuse me I'm here to pick up my order." "Uh let's see, you ordered the piranhas from the Amazon River." "Yes." "Here you go, make sure you don't stick your hand in there." John didn't care all that mattered was the easy bucks he'd make.

This day, John was getting ready for one of his customers, named Dustin. Dustin was the only child of wealthy doctors. After they died, he was living off their inheritance, social security checks, and life insurance. Dustin's order was an odd one. Dustin was known for making rash decisions and had ordered one of the most venomous snakes in the world, the boomslang. John had a lot to gain from this deal and undermined how risky this was. Dustin had decided to come early so John had to hurry. "Okay snake, you're coming with me." The timid snake was no match for the cold hearted scoundrel. John gets the snake, but he squeezes too hard and (snake bites his arm) gets one right in the arm. "Ouch! You are lucky I'm selling you or you'd be dead." Surprisingly, John was unaffected. It seems the snake failed to inject its venom. "Here you go." "Is your arm okay?" "Yeah a bat bit it."

John was back in his office compiling a pre-order list when he starts to feel fatigue. And then (blood drops onto his paper) "What the?" John thinks he scratched at something. He tries to wipe the blood of, and gets the surprise of his life. (his entire hand is covered in blood) (John looks in the mirror and realizes he's completely covered in blood. He runs into the store to get help, but everyone screams when seeing him. "Help!" Somebody please." (John collapses dead) Turns out that boomslang bite had a delayed reaction.

Jules Sylvester Wildlife Expert: "Boomslang venom has a very grotesque effect. It gets into the body and turns off the body's natural coagulation. What will end up happening is you will bleed from every pore of your body along with internal bleeding and die a very gruesome death."

John was a sleazy thief who made profit off innocent animals. His business finally went down when a snake bit his arm and put him in the red.

Way to Die #868  
Ex-Slang-Guinated

(end credits) 


End file.
